Emmy

10:02 pm: I am very sorry if I have missed anything lately. About two months ago life began to beat us up and is just barely starting to let up a little. I am trying to be more active but ended up with an off-and-on internet hiatus, which sucks because I'm still a pathetic homebody whose only link to the world beyond the front yard, the grocery store, and doctors offices is the internet.

I have also realized that since Dec 20th at least 4 birthdays have passed and I only remembered three of them but only called one of them to wish a happy birthday. I think I have missed more then that, if I have I am again very, very sorry. I have bigger holes in my memory then my nose and that's saying something!

Italian joke aside, right now I look like the new girl in Questionable Content without the yaoi. About half-way into Hannelore's cleaning spree I think. I found something to be allergic to and have a pizza face again. Wasn't this supposed to stop after 18? Bah doctors always say it will go away and it never does...

08:12 am: Hate Dan's alarm clock hate Dan's alarm clock hate Dan's alarm clock hate hate hate.

Almost done with sleep deprivation time, then I get the wires stuck to me and the heavy box wrapped to my waist, get lights flashed at me and get heavily medicated when they cause me to seize. Then glorious sleep!

I wanna make muffins but that might not be a good idea. The past five hours have been me with coffee, ice, and snacks moving the six feet between computer and bathroom because I can barely see. Still running into walls and falling out of chair. Poor Prada is out like a light on a blanket. I am not someone who functions at all without enough sleep. Never have been, being sick just put a few extra hours a night in.

This won't make it easy to ride public transit. Of course that doesn't matter since the sucky transit system doesn't even go where I need to go! Not panicking... not panicking! Maybe a little...

06:55 pm: I gave in and got one of those silly dragon eggs. It's purple!


Help keep my egg alive please?


And this water one too and I am stopping now...

10:04 pm: Making a note here, huge success!
Saturday I had a hand raised above Rags (I was talking with my arms again, huge surprise) and she just looked at my hand. No running, no hiding, no crying, she didn't even wince. It may not sound like much but this is a huge step forward! Yay Rags! She is healthy physically and this is a big sign that she is becoming healthy mentally! She has already learned that there will always be food available and she doesn't need to gorge herself, now she has learned she isn't going to be hit.

Now, if only I could teach her that paper is not for eating... oh well, at least she is being helpful and cleaning up the yogurt I spilled all over lol.

( Her training progress and a lot of standing on hind legs )

Tags: rag doll

12:54 am: This journal is in desperate need of a photo spam.

WTF am I doing?

12:51 am: Also, why does my dad hate the thermostat so much? Brrrrr.

I wanna go back to Dan's and be warm waahhhhhhhhhh

12:45 am: WHY THE HELL IS MY SOUND REFUSING TO WORK???

I think it's mad at me. Back to my sound card then... when I have nerves that work enough to get inside a computer and not break everything that is.

I fell down. Go boom.

Ok, not go boom. Go crunch. Boom would have been better.

And when do I not fall down?

Why did I eat more cake? Stupid dummy.

02:17 pm: No...
His kidney disease turned around, he was perking up, finally eating and drinking enough on his own, rarely needed his pain medication, hadn't had an anxiety attack in years, was playing and running like a pup, and finally hit his ideal weight. It's a miracle. Now he is going downhill again, this time his senility. He frequently doesn't know where he is, he is always crying, and sometimes he tried to find us but can't when we are right next to him. He isn't always like that, but enough that his quality of life isn't good anymore. Everything that can be done is already being done.

Rags tries to lead him around when he gets lost, but at those times he doesn't know who she is and tries to attack her. I guess it's almost a good thing he doesn't have the strength or teeth to do any damage. She is heartbroken.

He could last another year, he could go in the next minute. Either way I think it's time. He's 18. He lived a long and happy life. I can't think of letting go of my constant companion of 12 years but even worse would be to let him suffer like this.

Still, it's not my choice alone. Dad and Sarah are not ready at all. I'm not either really, never will be but I know it's what is best. But since I'm not ready I just freeze up when telling them why it's time. For him. For us a bit too, God knows this is painful to watch.

Why like this? Why does he have to suffer like this? The poor dog has already been through more then enough! I thought here he could recover and live a happy life, not suffer with his mind going. Every time he cries and cowers when he doesn't know where and when he is I know he is remembering whatever happened before he came to us that left him so bruised, battered, and scared.

No dog deserves to suffer like that. Why does he have to suffer so horribly twice?

Life sucks.

Tags: elvis

05:21 pm: The problem with heirloom furniture...
Does anyone know a good moving company that they could recommend? I can't think of any other way my ancient solid cherrywood bed and dressers are going to get down the stairs and transported to Dan's.

Tags: moving

11:52 pm: I really don't know how the heck I am going to pack all my crap by myself. For that matter, it is looking like I might have to figure out how to get in there myself too! I will probably end up needing to bribe people again. Food? Video games? Anyone? Help please? Maybe just some boxes or bags I could borrow?

11:10 pm: Update on life, the universe, and everything:
BLAH.

Tags: 42

09:31 pm: Happy birthday Jovita! Sorry I didn't have a chance to call until now, a bit too late. *hugs*

07:02 am: Trying to make a list of all of the medications I have ever been on. Yeesh. One I can't remember the name of, not even a first letter. Mom can't either, and Dad never really paid attention. I just remember that it was for hormone problems (I think, it was something related to the not-yet diagnosed pcos, so ovarian pain or hair or irregularity or cramps or thyroid) and it made me feel like hell. Worse then the prednisone, almost as bad as the tenex/clonodine combination. I became an utter bitch. I have read and heard of that happening to so many people that hopefully someone knows what I am talking about, because it's driving me nuts.

Sorry I missed it (but with Dad's recovery, Dad's realization, immediate denial, and then the same thing all over again that I feel like that all the time and the panic that comes with it, Rags being a puppy, computer being very broken [as in elbow-into-motherboard broken], the weather and stress causing flare-ups from hell, moving, collection of stupid minor infections and doctor bouncing because each of them just refer me to another, and chest thing lingering I think I have a bit of an excuse) but Happy New Year! Good riddance 2008. >.< I wish all of you and your family (furred, feathered, scaly, or otherwise) health and happiness.

Bad Emmy! No playing Black and White/Final Fantasy IV/Spore/Saga/WoW until after the sun rises! Good... morning?

02:08 am: Merry Christmas!

(I'm gonna go back to pretending I'm not one day late and doing lots and lots of sleeping. Holy crap life esploded!)

08:34 am: snow! sbow in vegas!

careful big strom tonight/earlyt ommorow. pressure changes killinh me.

stil stupid chest thing, can;t see dadd.y get worse, get better, worse again, gah. adddy healing quick, alreadu threatening to wa;lk out lol. that's my daddy@ was a triple, but is like a miracle now. caught early. healihn quick. when better lotta ecplaining why he knew problem henetic earlier but didn'ttell anyone. i'll beat him ip. bah. miss him. makes house livsable. less lacohol in mom, less bruises on me. thursday! hace my daddy vack.

neec sleep, cam't s;eep./ or tjiink. obviouslu. presure changea wringknng spine, ow.

rags scared of sniw. never saeen it before! run run run astarw whimper run rum run shidder sniff hide get warm repeat tel fall slewep standing u[ or fall on dace s;eep. cute. elvis just doesn
y like cold stuff, feel it ND jide under blankwt.

i am a baf tupist nnow.

11:11 pm: Fuck. He needs a double bypass. Thursday. He will be home and Sunday the earliest, possibly there for another week. He's furious, convinced they have the wrong patient... Well, he's always been like that. I just want him to be okay. I just want it to work out. I can't lose both fathers right after each other, I just can't. I was an emotional mess without anything to cause it!

Damn chest thing go away!

I want to move in with Dan right now... at least with him I can do something right, not like here where I guess I mess everything up. Do I have a bullseye on me somewhere saying "Perfect scapegoat! Get all your anger out here!" or something?

03:16 am: Only the first paragraph is important
Keep my dad in your prayers/thoughts please, he goes in for an angiogram and probable stint tomorrow for the clogged artery feeding his heart. Please also include that he learns his lesson and starts to eat at least somewhat decently...

I had a lovely freak out today, but I don't think it was a rage attack even though my memory of what I did is just as cloudy and weird as after one. Nothing broken, nothing injured, no one angry, I didn't even scratch my arms or bite my fingers. All I know is that my dad was holding my childhood bear (the very, very well loved and much squeezed one in a shadow box on my shelf because he will fall apart if I keep holding him) and I passed out curled up in my chair when done. Naked. Sometimes, I don't like autism. Most of the times I do though. I just want to know wtf I do when I "freak out"...

Rags and Elvis aren't enough company on my bed. I want to be with my baby now. His snoring, pillow-stealing, kicking, and often knocking me right off the bed as he shifts positions and all. Nightmare detection too... So lonely. Tired and not making sense too, but don't care. I never make sense.

Every medication meant to relax me just makes me wired (every. single. one.) so please let this chamomile/lavender/valerian tea work! Good thing valerian root is helpful, because the taste is atrocious... No amount of honey and lemon juice can save it! Stupid chest thing. What the hell is wrong with me this time? Oh who cares. I'm just broken. The broth is a good meal I can eat right now though. Turkey carcass simmered with salt, parsley, oregano, and a little bit of vinegar for 24+ hours to make a very rich stock, then remove bones, shred meat, add minced onion, garlic, celery, grated carrot, lots of greens, more spices (cracked red and black pepper, more parsley and oregano, teeny bit sage, basilico, teeny bit anisette, and turmeric just for it's nerve healing qualities) and some brown rice. Yum. Good with ginger, rose hip, orange peel, and hibiscus tea with honey and lemon. And diluted cranberry-pomegranate juice.

Why am I on livejournal, talking about nothing? Only the first paragraph is important, everything else is completely meaningless. Nonsense from a feverish and lonely insomniac. Times like this is when I wish my stomach could still handle warm kahlua.

Tags: autism, dad

12:44 am: Happy Thanksgiving!

Personally I am thankful that the scared little bag of bones I brought home not long ago is now a healthy, playful, bouncy, very intelligent puppy quickly learning basic training and more, already house trained, all filled out with shiny eyes, perfect teeth, soft shiny fur growing richer and richer in color, and a tail that never stops wagging!

My old man who would play maybe once a month and I was thinking he would need to be euthanized in the near future now plays with her (and me!) several times a day, eats and drinks more, is more alert, and shows very few signs of pain!

Autumn is finally drinking plenty of water and at this rate she will make it to the big 20, probably more!

Apollo is calm (well... as much possible for him), no signs of aggression, and can whistle "Tequila", "Fiddle de Chocobo", "The Imperial March", "Daydream Believer", and the opening theme to to Slayers Try!! He also talks, unfortunately the first thing he ever said was "Stop that! No, no!"

Diana is starting to warm up to new people and let my dad pet her just last week.

Tammy is starting to get over her fear of men.

All tortoises are alive and healthy in hibernation! First month is when most deaths happen.

And even though I am a pain in the butt I have friends that stick with me!

I am not thankful however that my hair is falling out. Wahhhhhhhhhhh!

Tags: apollo, autumn, diana, elvis, rag doll, tammy, tortoises

10:10 pm: Yay for not puking after real food!

Of course it's only been an hour... *eats more ginger candy* An hour is good, though! I think all of me is excited about nutrition not in liquid form that goes into my mouth and gets chewed, not forced into my throat.

04:55 pm: Happy birthday Kaykay!